Down The Rabbit Hole by Holly Madison

Holly Madison

Full Title: Down The Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny by Holly Madison

There are those who believe some of the most well-armored feminists harbor a hidden wish to be viewed as gorgeous enough to be featured in "girly magazines” generally, and, until fairly recent times, Playboy in particular. 

After reading Holly Madison’s account of her years as a resident of the famed Playboy Mansion, many would-be models might reconsider.  In fact, according to Ms. Madison, the founder of Playboy, Hugh Hefner, rents the mansion, and each individual room, from a separate corporation.  

In much the same way, he rented each girl.  Those he deemed vital, both to the magazine and his own libido, were allowed to live there, with free room and board.  Still, though most of these girls and young women ranged from their late teens to their mid to late twenties, their cossetted life depended upon conformity with such rules as an absolute 9 pm curfew.

While Hefner strove to preserve the myth that those girls in his mansion were sisterly, and his relationship to each of them one of paternal concern, according to Holly Madison, this was far from reality.  As to sisterhood, aside from the occasional genuine bond, rivalries and its consequent attempts to undercut one another were rampant. 

Also, Hefner fostered conflict among the “playmates”, as it heightened his control over each one of them.  Expulsion from the mansion would result if one girl could be shown to be antagonistic towards others on a continuous basis.  He also seemed to savor the hope that the basis of this competitiveness was due to a yearning for his attention.

Regarding his platonic concern, every girl living at his home was expected to perform those services demanded of a wife or concubine in an Asian or Middle-eastern harem. None of them were permitted to leave, even to attend the wedding of a close relative or long-term friend, without first groveling for Hefner’s permission.

A further threat lay in the fear of losing ones position by exceeding whatever age was deemed unacceptable.  Hefner exploited this vulnerability by belittling the oldest girl in his circle.  One such internal report, mentioned a young woman’s age being twenty-eight, as if this meant she was heading towards the edge of mortality.  

Still, as Holly Madison was an adult with a strong education, the natural question is why she continued to stay for several years in a state of near subjugation.  Cynically viewed, the 24-hour kitchen service, providing whatever food and/or beverage was requested at any time, with gratuities to household staff prohibited, combined with a topnotch gym, and every beautifying treatment, lessened the appeal of a regular job.  

Still, Ms. Madison states, she became enmeshed in the Hefner hierarchy.  Though married to his second wife, living next-door, he always had an official girlfriend.  As Holly had always been treated as one of the less sought-after bunnies, she recounts her surprise at having been chosen.  She attributes this choice, in part, to her pleasure in watching old movies with him, rather than craving the night life sought by her competitors.  Also, she did genuinely like him.  

Asked during an interview what her ideal life would be in five years, she stated she hoped she and Hefner could live alone in his mansion. How much of this response stemmed from hype may never be known, even by Holly Madison.  Still, although he was in his seventies, she asked him to be clinically tested in order to ascertain whether he could still father children.  As she admits, this test was pointless in that, even if they two conceived a child, his fatherhood was bound to be so brief as to prove almost non-existent.  

Eventually, finding her life suffocating, and yearning to find a man her own age, she told Hefner she would be leaving.  By then, her growing withdrawal had induced him to fill her place in his life with an eager replacement. 

In conclusion, while this book review touches upon major issues, it is only an overview of the intriguing detail contained in this memoir.  

Holly Madison’s book ends with her sense that, though wretched at times, she feels she learned an enormous amount via her Playboy experience.  

Anyone Can Do It: My Story by Duncan Bannatyne

Duncan Bannatyne

While rags-to-riches memoirs abound, I doubt there are many as genuine, gripping and just plain fun to read as this account by Duncan Bannatyne. 

During his early years, though none of his friends or neighbors were wealthy, quite a few families could afford cars, televisions, and other conveniences of the time. 

Whatever their financial position, no other child he knew needed to go without the occasional treat, such as an ice cream from a passing vendor.  The standard parental response to the young Bannatyne questions as to why he could never have one, was simply that they were poor. 

They viewed this poverty as an innate condition, not to be complained-of, as there was absolutely no expectation of change.
Indeed, When Bannatyne began his first major commercial venture, his father stated that people like them did not start businesses.  It sounded as if they were born with a taint which would prove inescapable.

As this autobiography shows, while never anticipating the affluence he would one day obtain, he did not accept this predestined reality. At a fairly early age, he decided he would find or forge some pathway viable enough to provide himself and those close to him with those amenities taken for granted by others.

Today, there is a great deal of talk regarding overall concepts and the big picture.  Often, however, this belief in future billions as the well-deserved consequence of a dream, tends to allow would-be entrepreneurs to ignore the finer details which create its groundwork.

It was this awareness of seeming trivia which garnered Bannatyne his initial small business.  Having noted newspapers were not being delivered to his own and similar vicinity, he approached the lady in charge, to ask for a job in so-doing.  She replied, in a somewhat high-handed tone, that no-one in those areas could afford such a service.  Instead of accepting her snub, Bannatyne went door-to-door.  Soon, he was able to offer a list of one-hundred potential partakers of such a delivery service.  This documented number left the elitist lady with little choice but to hire him.

As a businessman, with savvy acquired by experience, he realized it would have been far more advantageous to  offer to sell her his list.  Still, for a boy starting out, he showed a strong instinct for economics development. 

Later, this understanding of small things was to bolster his sales in his role as the same type of ice cream vendor who’s goods had eluded him as a young boy.  Why not take a few seconds to draw a face on an ice cream, or to greet a boy with “Johnny” written on his T-shirt by asking, “What would you like today, Johnny?”
A few further examples of his acumen indicate his reasons for such astounding success, as well as his ethical framework. 

If he signed a contract, then found several thousand pounds added to his bill as customary expenses, he refused to pay them. Limousine travel, nights in upscale hotels, exorbitant dinners with “clients, unless a provably part of the contract, he would not pay.  In addition, he puts his name on any type of enterprise he chooses to enter:, health clubs, care homes and such.  Every member of one of his fitness centers is given an email address where they are welcome to contact him, if they have a query or grievance which cannot be resolved by local staff.

In addition, from his outset, he prohibited waste.  Although Paper clips are viewed by most companies as negligible, their incessant use can prove as costly as water left dripping from a tap.  Hence, rather than purchase these clips, he instructed his clerical staff to remove them from any mail, and then reuse them.  

When he decided to expand into care homes for the elderly, he pretended to be seeking a suitable residence for his mother.  As such, he was granted investigative privileges not allowed to potential competitors.  In this guise, he was able to contrast the foul conditions of some homes with the nurturing concern shown by others.

In ethical terms, at one point he was forced to realize a previously loyal employee was stealing money.  When he confronted her in a direct but compassionate way, she conceded the truth of his findings, explaining her husband had abandoned her and their three children-her theft has truly resulted from need. He did not fire her, based on her vow not to defraud him again.  Still, when he found she had defaulted upon this promise, he felt no choice but to end her employment.  Still, though he could have brought legal action, he forbore to do so.

In recent times, Bannatyne is best-known for being a dragon on the widely televised ”Dragon’s Den”, a program in which would-be entrepreneurs are asked, in a verbal trial by fire, to justify why their idea is worthy of big-time investments.  Although characterized as one of the most ferocious of dragons, in truth he cuts to the core of the question: if I invest in your plan, what returns can I expect, and by what documentation can you justify this belief.  Unless the applicant has, or is willing to risk mortgaging a home and pursuing every feasible loan avenue, he says, “I’m out”, and that is the end of the matter.

Unless an entrepreneur believes enough in his idea to risk all he has on its chance of success, he has no right to ask anyone else to invest.  Whatever his level of wealth, any investor has a right to know he will gain a significant sum beyond the amount invested. This bottom-line approach cuts through even the most eloquent pitch, or clever palaver.  

The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly by Matt McCarthy

Matt McCarthy

Full Title: The Real  Doctor Will See You Shortly: A Physician’s First Year by Matt McCarthy

Many of us, even those fortunate enough to live in parts of  the globe where health care is most advanced, have groused, at times, as to the seemingly needless delays and ineptitude of those engaged in the medical profession. While some complaints regarding aspects of treatment are valid, I believe Dr. Matt McCarthy’s account of his first year as an intern will increase my empathy, especially when dealing with those agonizing through their year of internships.

To a large degree, the grinding and grueling nature of this work is deliberate.  The belief is that those who cannot withstand the rigorous training process are not equipped to deal with the ceaseless day-to-day strife of becoming a full-fledged physician.

As it happened, one of his earliest patients, a middle-aged professor, might have died unnecessarily, due to Dr. McCarthy’s failure to gauge the potential implications of what appeared to be a trivial fact.  Perhaps the castigation given him by his supervisor was more severe than this oversight warranted.  Still, it alerted him to the need to treat even what might appear to be a simple anomaly as worthy of deeper examination.  

A further hurdle lay in the lack of balance between the number of patients scheduled and the time allowed to deal with each one in a comprehensive manner.  Hence, when a respectable-looking gentleman asked for a refill on his Viagra prescription, Dr. McCarthy could discern no reason not to oblige.  

Chagrin and humiliation arose when his supervisor asked if he had read the patient’s chart well enough to learn the man had a criminal record which had resulted in imprisonment.  He then felt the ultimate layer of shame  when informed this patient’s conviction had been for sexual assault.

A question of humanity arose when, a woman with only a remnant of sight, afflicted with immune deficiency syndrome  AIDS, was found to be carrying a small bag containing cannabis.  Despite her pleas not to deprive her of it, as it comprised the only remaining relief she could find, ethical obligations compelled Dr. McCarthy to do so.  Naturally, Any such lapse on his part would have placed his license to practice in serious jeopardy.

Still, a more subtle issue arose when this patient refused to take the medications prescribed to slow the progression of her AIDS.  Her physical and emotional pain had reached a level where she could find no reason for prolonging her life.   

This refusal forced Dr. McCarthy to accept the reality of the right of a patient of sound mind to engage in a form of passive suicide. Due to the rapport which had developed between them, for a few days she agreed to take a small number of tablets.  Still, to his dismay and personal hurt, he found, one morning, this lady had checked herself out in the night, and could not be dissuaded from leaving.  

Later, encountering her in the waiting-room, he told her how he had felt, and asked her reasons.  She told him, in an almost maternal way, she had done what she felt was necessary, and that her departure had not in any way reflected a lack of gratitude for his care and concern.  As they parted, he felt no certainty that she would go back onto those medications.  Still, he knew he had offered her all he could in terms of support, and she had felt warmed by his kindness.

Sadly, this solicitude brought to the fore his most profound terror. After showing a more recent intern the most efficient way to draw blood from a patient, he inadvertently pricked his own thumb with the needle.  This might have been a minor mishap, had the patient in question not been afflicted with AIDS. 

Fear for his health as well as ethics required Dr. McCarthy to reveal this both to his supervisor and fiancee.  While both of them gave him encouragement and and tenderness, they could not shield him from the horror of the potential effects if the disease were to take hold.   

As a reader, I found the most moving part of this book to have been Dr. McCarthy’s generosity in confiding this to the above-mentioned female patient, along with a willingness to take his medications with her.

Ultimately, this memoir opens to us the small but persistent area of uncertainty between professionalism and humanity.  In short, we are permitted  to see both Matt  as a human being and Dr. McCarthy as a physician.  

Born with Teeth: A Memoir by Kate Mulgrew.

Kate Mulgrew

The title of this memoir reflects two levels of meaning.  Kate Mulgrew was born in Dubuque Iowa on April 29 1955 with a full set of baby teeth.  There is also the one in which she had an innate ability to develop the metaphorical teeth she would need in order to reach stardom in the cutthroat ambiance of the stage and screen spheres.

Although perhaps best-known for her seven-year role as Captain Kathryn Janeway on the long-lasting series Star Trek: Voyager, this memoir is by no means an addition to the often criticized genre of tell-all show business gossip.  In fact, its ending is such as to have led me to do a search for Ms. Mulgrew’s later life.  

Her early years within an Irish Catholic family did not contain as many hugs and cuddles as she might have wished.  Still, when at age seventeen, she was accepted into the daunting Stella Adler Conservatory of Acting, her parents did all they could to bolster her hopes of success.

Tragically, a younger sister, Tessie, who Kate had treated as her slave, in terms of errands and tasks, contracted a slow-growing brain tumor.  Sedated by morphine for two years, the family were forced to observe her gradual but definite deterioration.  Still, despite Tessie's plea with Kate not to leave her in order to begin drama training, it was tacitly understood between these two sisters that Kate would be adventuring for both herself and Tessie.

Given that a large amount of successful acting entails reliving previous pain, Tessie’s illness and death doubtless came back to Kate when she needed to evoke a deep source of sorrow. 

As with any young woman viewed as attractive and talented, Kate received a good deal of male adulation.  Still, while acknowledging this with some natural joy, she also allows us, as readers, to see the absolute nakedness of her soul in despair.  Having become pregnant in a relationship where marriage was not an option, with profound reluctance, she offered her unborn child for adoption, via a supposedly Christian organization.

After the birth, Kate persuaded a compassionate nurse to circumvent strict hospital rules by permitting her one small glimpse of her infant daughter. Brief as it was, this moment became infused into Kate’s waiting wellspring of love. Hence, interwoven throughout this memoir is her guilt and search for some information regarding this child.  Her anguish became compounded when she learned, nearly twenty years later, the charity’s deceit as to the family to whom her baby was given. 

Kate’s ability to create a credible character on an ongoing basis became clear when she played Mary Ryan in the soap opera Ryan’s Hope.  A further triumph occurred when, portraying the central character in the 19th-century Norwegian playwright Henrick Ibsen drama, Hedda Gabler.  Kate was told she was one of the few actresses to have truly comprehended and conveyed Hedda’s gnawing, overwhelming anguish. 

The book goes on to describe further liaisons, and her disappointing marriage to Robert Egan.  The two boys born of this union were not always happy with there mother’s sometimes lengthy absences. Their sense of desertion grew in 1995, when she accepted the prestigious but absorbing role of the first female captain, Kathryn Janeway, in the renowned series Star Trek: Voyager. 

One of her most worthwhile points, I believe, is that a male actor’s need to be away for protracted periods is accepted as part of what daddies do.  Conversely, no matter how scrupulously Kate Mulgrew screened and ensured the concern and abilities of nannies, her children frequently voiced  or showed their rage, once even resorting to calling her a bad mother.

This echoed the comment of a previous colleague as to her inability to be a true mother, due to her emphasis on her career. The criticism plagued Kate, although she continued her work, returning home or bringing her children with her as often as feasible.  The question of equilibrium between career and maternal duties may never be completely resolved. 

My own perspective is that Kate Mulgrew made the best compromise she could between nurturing her children almost entirely by herself, and forfeiting all those years during which she had striven to establish herself as an actress.  

Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy

Thomas Hardy: born 2nd June 1840 died 11th January 1928

This novel, published in 1891, resonates, in surprising but subtle ways throughout our own social strata.  Indeed, the central theme of this work, viewed by many as Hardy’s masterpiece, hinges upon the importance of female virginity before marriage.

This consideration was reflected as recently as the 1981 marriage between heir to the British throne Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer.  Despite their twelve-year age difference, and their vastly diverging interests, Lady Diana’s virginity rendered her one of the limited number of candidates acceptable as Princess of Wales, and potential mother to the next  king of Great Britain.   

From its beginning, Tess of the d'Urbervilles is based upon a false supposition.  During a time of major economic depression in the 1870s, Tess Durbeyfield's father becomes absorbed by a hint from his vicar of his possible connection to the similar named family the "d'Urbervilles", who possessed significant wealth.  

Without any further verification, Durbeyfield determines to seek to gain whatever he can from this tangential connection.  Hence, after correspondence, Durbeyfield invests the family’s meager financial resources in sending his lovely, seventeen-year-old daughter, Tess, to visit their “relatives”.

Once having met her, Alec d’Urberville, accustomed to obtaining whatever or whomever he fancies, soon grows amazed by Tess’s ability to resist his amorous efforts.  Slowly, unused to the slightest rebuff, his feelings increase, until they begin edging towards love.

As to Tess, while she does her utmost to avoid becoming one more in a series of discarded conquests, she begins to pulsate.  In theory, she remains on the d’Urberville estate in hopes of her small wages as poultry keeper will compensate her family for its outlay regarding her journey.  Later, during a night in a field, her intimacy with d’Urberville is crystallized.

Hardy leaves it to the reader to determine to what degree, if any, her response is consensual.  During the late Victorian era, the thought of a girl or woman, especially if unmarried, feeling lust and or libido, could not be endured.  Thus, in this and other novels written by authors during the same era, the writer and reader collude in a form of political /moral correctness.

At any rate, this encounter results in Tess, humiliated and pregnant, returning to her village.  Although her baby lives only a few weeks, its conception and birth has made her a pariah.  Any hopes she might have of respect lies in traveling some distance.

Having found work on a dairy farm, she encounters the apprentice minister, perhaps satirically named Angel Clare.  Despite his bountiful choices as to a bride, Tess’s beauty and integrity urges him to propose.  Tess, having become besotted by Angel, fears confession of her indiscretion will impel him to retract his proposal.  (in the most ominous sense, she is right.)

Hence, although Tess and Angel marry, anguish soon besets them.

On their wedding night, Angel admits to a brief but wild interlude with an older woman.  Engulfed by a sense of relief, Tess reveals her encounter with Alec d'Urberville.  Angel, appalled and overwhelmed, explains to Tess her seeming innocence had induced him to ask her to become his wife; her words have flawed his belief in her to the point of his inability to consummate their union.  After several days of strain, Tess urges Angel to leave.  He agrees, promising to strive, from his deepest soul, to find some means of forgiving her.

The remainder of the book involves plot twists too intricate for our purposes here.  To summarize, Alec d’Urberville, finding Tess and her family near destitution, offers to support all of them if Tess will live as his mistress.  She agrees, again ostensibly based on need rather than any erotic wish.

While acknowledging Hardy’s genius, some critics have noted his tendency to force his characters to commit acts almost wholly inconsistent with their previous conduct,  in order to facilitate the conclusion he seeks.  While I will not ruin the ending for future readers, I join with those who maintain Tess’s subsequent actions fall into this somewhat puppeteer pattern.  

Newjack: Guarding Sing Sing by Ted Conover

Ted Conover: born January 17th 1958 

While anthropologists often travel into areas where there lives are imperiled, the wildest jungle tribes cannot be more menacing than those held captive in a major American prison.  Yet, as part of his research into various subcultures, Ted Conover undertook the task of becoming a prison guard at Sing Sing for a year. 

(The politically correct term is “corrections officer”, but here I will use the terms “prison guard” and “corrections officer" interchangeably.) 

Although forced to undergo the same training as his fellow corrections officers, Conover’s position differed from theirs in that he knew, although his instructors, and later those prisoners over whom he would be given control guessed that for him this constituted research into the underworld of confined criminals.
  
To some degree, this gave him, in theory at least, some sense of detachment.  Having earned a PHD in anthropology, and written several books on various aspects of the lives of the marginalized, his lifetime income and later pension did not depend upon his job evaluation.  Still, caught in the barely controlled mayhem of Sing Sing Prison, he soon felt as constricted by bureaucracy and menaced by convicts as did his fellow guards.

One early lesson he learned was the power of the dis-empowered. The longer a convict’s sentence, the more carefree he could be when a policy proved inconvenient.  True, yard privileges could be suspended, or if the offense was viewed as grave, convicts could be locked in their cells or sent into “the  hole” of solitary confinement. Still, any incentive to comply or co-operate might be curtailed or halted altogether by the length of a sentence.  

Major disruptions in any cell blocks resulted in a temporary lock-down, its duration depending upon the time deemed vital to have a detrimental effect upon plans of similar future misconduct.  This penalty, while having a quieting effect upon the inmates of the cell block involved, required guards to undertake the most tedious prison jobs, generally done by inmates earning 15 cents per hour.

Simultaneously, the inability of such prisoners to queue up for meals compelled guards to bring food to each individual’s cell, and then pass them through the narrow window in each door.  This, Conover recounts, made him feel more like a waiter than a corrections officer.
  
Food, indeed, could be utilized as a tool of control.  At one point, those convicted of what were viewed as the foulest offenses still had a right to be given a sufficient amount of food to prevent their starvation.  While this requirement was met, it was done in the most indigestible way.  The bread upon which such convicts were forced to subsist was made so distasteful as to be all but impossible to ingest. One officer, asked to evaluate it, found it too palatable; it would need to become even harder to swallow.
  
As a reader, I found one of the most gripping aspects of this memoir to be its candor.  While at first succeeding in keeping his prison work separate from his home life with his wife and two young children, in time, this boundary began to erode.  Compared to the anguish he found himself forced to see, and his own balance between conforming to authorities while being fair to prisoners, Conover started to feel overwhelmed.

The details of his wife’s day and his children’s fussing, at times exhausted his tolerance. By the end of his year as a corrections officer, he began to see how this life, lived on a continuing basis, could decimate families.  Fortunately, Conover’s spouse and offspring only suffered a few verbal bruising's, which could be healed by his reversion to his role as husband and father.  

Still, we, as readers, are left with the question as to what becomes of the family lives of those guards who, via decades on the job, sentence themselves, and to some extent those closest to them to a form of lifelong confinement.  

All Who Go Do Not Return by Shulem Deen

Shulem Deen: photo courtesy of Pearl Gabel

   
Often, well-grounded organizations and religions give rise to splinter groups.  These tend to consist of members who wish to carry principles to a deeper, more stringent degree than do their fellow members.  While such separatists can prove successful, they have no means of ensuring their offspring will accept their demands and decisions. This struggle is illustrated with gripping candor in Shulem Deen's memoir.

Born into a highly orthodox branch of Hasidic Judaism (Skveres), Shulem was expected to conform, without  question, to rules set forth by rabbinic leaders.  Their restrictions permeated every area of his life; even the list of books he was permitted to read was   extremely limited. 

Inquiries which implied the slightest doubts as to any edicts held by the sect could result in expulsion from his Yeshiva School. This fact alone contributed to Deen’s conflict between his wish for intellectual exploration and the principles meant to govern his life. His acceptance into a Yeshiva school was viewed as an indication of high intelligence.  Further  signs of dissension  could mean ostracism, and even being disowned by one's family.  

As Deen recounts, fear of exclusion from the sole framework he had known from his birth impelled him to marry a young woman chosen for him.  Their wedding took place after seven minutes of being allowed to sit alone in a room, with authorities outside its door, eager to perform the solemnities.  Gitty, the bride selected, while not unattractive, held little appeal for him.  All he had been told about her was her adherence to views which had begun to make him feel suffocated.  

In time, though tenderness developed between them, Gitty’s dedication to orthodox views created an endless chasm.  An early example of this was shown by her horror when she heard Deen listening to a radio.  Possessing or utilizing of any medium from the world beyond their sphere was completely prohibited.

Indeed, when in 1997, news of the death of England’s Princess Diana absorbed most of the globe, neither Shulem nor Gitty had any idea as to who she was, or that she had ever existed. 

A further plagued consisted in their all but inescapable poverty. Knowledge acquired in the Yeshiva School did not qualify Deen for what he felt to be worthwhile employment.  As a girl, Gitty’s education had been largely confined to preparation for domesticity. 
At the same time, birth control was nearly always prohibited. Thus, despite mounting unpaid bills and ceaseless requests for extensions on rent, the number of children grew.

The remainder of this book explains Deen’s wrenching but definite need to evaluate Hasidism in terms of various other avenues of thought. He was forced to accept the dangers of compliance when his father, based on dedication to beliefs, died when his otherwise healthy body gave way, due to years of near self-starvation.  

Although I have read many memoirs, Mr. Deen’s book proved especially gripping in that it allowed me to learn of a wholly unfamiliar manner of thinking and living.  Mr. Deen takes the reader through his gradual, often wrenching process of reaching a decision as to the way he would live the rest of his life, as well as the consequences of his choices.  

Whipping Boy by Allen Kurzweil

Allen Kurzweil born December 16 1960 is a journalist and author of children's novels

Full Title.  Whipping Boy: The Forty-Year Search for My Twelve-Year-Old Bully by Allen Kurzweil

Historically, bullying has been viewed as one of the components of growing up.  While generally associated with boys, girls have been equally culpable-their torment often psychological, but equally likely to leave lasting scars. 

Sadly, it was considered cowardly to “rat on” a fellow student or peer; those who were harassed were expected to cope, and ideally be strengthened for life’s realities by the experience. To some degree, both genders were pressured to “take it like a man”, allowed to vent lingering rage and hatred on those several years younger.  

For nearly all of us, if nightmares and memories lurk and attack, it is natural to hope the rigors of life has avenged the sense of absolute helplessness at the hands of another.  We might, at least in imagination, find opportunity to confront and retaliate. 

The question this book presents is at what point the urge to find and punish the playground or boarding school beast evolves from thought to obsession.  At age ten, Allen Kurzweil was eager to become anchored at the Aigion School in Switzerland.  His father’s early death left his mother, though affectionate in her way, in quest of a new husband.  Still, Allen’s hopes for security soon disappeared when he found himself in a room at the top of the residence hall with four other boys, one of whom was the predominant, twelve-year-old Cesar Augusto Viana. 

Perhaps not even a bully knows why he or she chooses a particular victim.  In Allen’s case, his newness combined with his Jewishness, rare at the school, made him his prey.  Cesar’s tortures included forcing Allen to chew and swallow a series of bread pellets saturated in hot sauce, inflict the thirty-nine lashes demonstrated in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar" in a deliberately offbeat rhythm, and most unforgivably, order another boy to hurl Allen’s dead father’s pocket watch from a high window.

While it is not clear whether Cesar understood the significance of this watch as a memento, it seems likely it would not have mattered.  In fact, it might have enhanced his pleasure.  It was this final act which left Allen with an inflexible quest to get even.

In a macabre sense, as an adult, Allen was lucky.  Despite the Internet, most bullies, if located, are found to be living conventional lives.  Cesar, who always seems to have perceived himself as superior to human judgments, involved himself in a fraudulent cartel resulting in a criminal record and prison sentence.  

While brilliantly summarized in this memoir, it took Allen four decades to garner this information and eventually make seemingly amiable contact with Cesar.  During this time, Allen married, had children and wrote several successful children’s books.  Still, he had to find Cesar. Though at first surprised at the co-operation of those who helped facilitate his often complex research, each of them admitted, when asked, recollections of their own Cesar sparked their incentives. 

Eventually, the two do connect, though Cesar no longer views Allen in an adversarial role.  Ultimately, Allen feels impelled to view aspects of his own character which he had tried to avoid. Once having reached these realizations, he is able to begin shedding the grudge which has held him in shackles for so many years.  Only then, after having lived on this earth for more than half a century, does he begin to experience a sense of complete maturity.

This book is a must read for those who have been bullied and those who are coming to terms with having been bullies.

The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

Radclyffe Hall born on 12 August 1880 died 7 October 1943

Like many books which were on the cutting edge in their time, this novel has been viewed for some while as dated, and almost quaint in its depiction of the gay lifestyle.  In fact, the freedom implied in this phrase could not have been conceived of during the time of the 1928 publication of this pivotal book.

As might have been expected, the pompous pronouncements regarding its vileness, combined with legal furor, resulted in a huge increase in sales.  Indeed, Ms. Hall was victorious in that there is no quicker way to gain public acclaim than to have one’s book banned or considered taboo.

Why did this novel, in which no word even approached obscenity, evoke such distress?  

Radclyffe Hall, a lesbian called “John” by her circle, delineates the life of Stephen Gordon, whose name in itself can be seen as foreshadowing her later gender preference.  Stephen’s wide-shouldered, narrow-hipped body and tendency to give voice to wild frustration soon convinced her parents of a subtle difference between herself and other small children. Her father’s approach was to study the works of scholars such as Havelock Ellis, in an effort to understand the psychological leanings of what was then called an “invert”.

Conversely, her mother felt horrified at the thought of her daughter becoming ostracized as a member of a marginal group, barely acknowledged as a splinter of British society.  While this undercurrent of conflict caused Stephen confusion, it does not diminish the strength of her desire for intimacy with other women.  

During WWI, women otherwise divided from one another, were given opportunities to develop a profound sense of community as nurses, ambulance drivers, and participants in other auxiliary branches.  When Stephen and fellow driver Mary Llewellyn found their friendship taking on erotic overtones, Stephen feels torn. While aware she herself has no choice as to gender preference, she questions the fairness of bringing Mary into a painfully hidden life, while she might otherwise find conventional happiness.

Still, Once Mary voices her feelings to Stephen; the reader is given a sense of their physical union, with no details provided. (Arguably, this tends to be lacking in modern fiction, in its often tedious attempts at complete candor.) 

Slowly, as their infatuation eases into domesticity, Stephen’s guilt increases as she senses a loneliness growing in Mary, due to the life-style imposed upon them by societal scorn.  France has always tended to be more flexible and accepting of minorities than has other countries.  Thus it is there that Stephen and Mary become part of a fringe group of homosexuals.

Perhaps the most moving passage occurs when a young man, desiccated by an abyss of drugs and misery, as he passes Stephen, murmurs “My sister”. Seeing her and Mary’s potential future mirrored in his despair, Stephen answers, “My brother.”

This encounter Forces her to view the emotional well of loneliness she as an invert can never escape.  Still, perhaps Mary can. Stephen must then decide whether or what she must do in order to prevent Mary’s absorption into that seemingly depthless well. 

As readers, we explore with Stephen the absolute hellishness of her ultimate choice.  

Bittersweet by Susan Strasberg

 

Susan Strasberg May 22 1938 – January 21 1999

Ms. Strasberg begins this memoir with the admission that her newborn daughter entered this world with holes in her heart, traceable to recreational drugs use by her then husband Christopher Jones and herself.  Although during this era hallucinogens were believed to enhance experience and understanding, the side effect and heredity dangers were not fully known.  Guilt brought about by the knowledge their daughter’s permanent health might well have been scarred by their chemical explorations added to their sadness. Ultimately, surgery would prove fruitful, but for a significant while, the prognosis was worrisome. 

Beginning with this candor, Susan Strasberg, born on May 22 1938, reflects upon her life at the apex of the Actor’s Studio, an organization for professional actors, which her father, Lee Strasberg, joined in 1951.

Lee Strasberg, with his wife Paula as voice coach, taught method acting, requiring student actors to find some source in their lives which could be put to use in order to give a naked dimension to a performance.  Hence, if required to portray a character who has just received tragic news, it was viewed as vital to relive such a moment in one’s own life.  

As the fame of the Strasberg’s’ teachings increased, so did requests for inclusion in their acting classes.  In time, their numerous students included James Dean, Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman, Marilyn Monroe, and the young Susan Strasberg.  Indeed, Ms. Monroe became, for a time, a part of the Strasberg household.  This arrangement was symbiotic in that as Ms. Monroe’s status as an Aphrodite skyrocketed, so did the pre-eminence of the Strasberg classes.  What then was the impact upon Susan of this near-divinity sharing the daughterly role?  At one point, her mother Paula felt forced to follow Marilyn to the location where a film was in process, in order to elicit the needed responses.  

Susan’s feelings towards Marilyn were ambivalent.  While admiring her exquisite looks and allure, Susan could not avoid envying the adoration they created.  Still, in its way, this frustration contributed to Susan’s success in one of her earliest roles as the bright but plain Millie Owens, in the 1955 film “picnic”, written by William Inge.

Millie’s slightly older sister, Madge, is blessed with penultimate glamor.  In a scene where Millie, unused to alcohol, drinks to the point of gut-wrenching cries, she keeps repeating, “Madge is the pretty one!”  In fact, in her mind, the fictional Madge represented the genuine Marilyn.  Still, a genuine sisterly friendship developed between these two young women.  (In her second memoir, “Marilyn and Me” she describes their bond.)  

Susan’s next pivotal role was that of Anne Frank in the 1955 Broadway production of “Diary of Anne Frank” based on the diaries of this young girl, killed during the holocaust. Although her performance received many accolades, she was sorely disappointed when not chosen for the role in the film version.  Years later, when she asked the director George Stevens why he had not chosen her, he said it was because she had not asked him.  Perhaps he was thirsting for a request from Lee Strasberg’s daughter. 

Her later roles were more-or-less consistent but somewhat sporadic. As she once said to fellow actress, Lee Grant, they were both like good, reliable dresses, kept in a wardrobe to be worn, not to elegant soirees, but suitable for any number of events and occasions.

Susan Strasberg’s life went through its romantic vicissitudes. Apparently, her sense of ordinary good looks continued to haunt her.  On the night when she and her future husband Christopher Jones, having connected erotically during a film, were about to spend their first night with each other, she thought of what it would be like to wake in the morning beside someone more attractive than she was.  Still, although their union ended in a hostile divorce, for a time they did share deep passion and tenderness.  

I finished this book with a sense of respect for Ms. Strasberg’s candor, combined with disappointment at her seeming lack of compassion towards her mother Paula. This proved especially true in describing the humiliating manifestations of the cancer which eventually led to her death.  What Paula had tried to attribute, for years, to a series of miscarriages was in fact a terminal illness.
Still, as with any memoir, we enter the memoirist’s framework to the extent we can, drawing our own interpretation in terms of its less than likable aspects.  
Susan Strasberg died of breast cancer at age 60, on January 21, 1999. 

Listening With my Heart by Heather Whitestone

Heather Whitestone at age 39

Born on February 24 1973, Heather Whitestone lost her hearing due to a childhood illness when she was 18 months old.  During her early years, while aware of her impairment, she did not regard herself as deaf.  Instead, as she writes in her memoir, she was just Heather.
  
If anything, she felt her hearing loss gave her a degree of freedom. Able to hear to a small degree with the help of a hearing aid, she could shut out aggravating noises with the flip of a switch.  Once, while on a family vacation, her sister groused about the loudness of their dad’s snoring.  Heather simply switched off her hearing aid and relaxed into peaceful sleep.

Beginning ballet classes as a child, she found she had a natural grace and ease in movement.  As her proficiency grew, so did her self-assurance.  Like any art, ballet requires intensive practice and self-discipline.  Eventually, Heather felt the urge to enter beauty contests in which talent was a crucial component.  Having succeeded in becoming Miss Alabama in 1994, the combination of her lovely face, lithe body and balletic skill led her to become, in 1995, Miss America.
  
Predictably, when a member of any minority is rewarded for excellence, there are those who try to undermine them by attributing victory to condescension. At times, Heather felt overwhelmed by the constant drone of the word “disability”, shadowing her to the point where it felt like a cave from which there was no escape.

One especially insensitive woman with a camera in one hand and a duck in the other, approached Ms. Whitestone to say, since her duck was deaf, she would like a photograph of him with the first deaf Miss America.  Still, Heather’s sense of inner balance allowed her to stay centered upon the validity of her success, and the positivity she could generate to others who are marginalized by society. 

In time, she met John McCallum, an aide to Congressman Newt Gingrich.  As Christianity is one of the cornerstones of Heather’s life, it was vital for her to ascertain straight-away whether this young man who evoked tender feelings shared her beliefs.  Hence, during their first dinner together, she asked him directly if he was a Christian.  When he said he was, she asked what had motivated him to become one.  His answer felt honest and genuine.  By the end of that evening, she no longer wondered whether he had asked her for this date in order to boast of having gone out with a former Miss America.  In time, their initial mutual liking evolved into love, resulting in marriage and three children. 

A cochlear implant has greatly helped Heather’s ability both to hear and communicate.  In this book, she conveys her individual and Christian principles for ongoing inner contentment and towards outward achievement. 

Having herself faced bigotry and discrimination; she now works as a motivational speaker, and is active on various political committees to make employment for people with disabilities truly equal, rather than theoretical, as it often is now.  In this memoir, she recounts her experiences with candor, ending with a sense of uplift and encouragement.  

The Lonely Passion of Judith Hearne by Brian Moore

Brian Moore: born 25 August 1921 died 11 January 1999

On its surface, this novel centers on the obsessive quest of a middle-aged woman to marry her landlady’s brother.  Yet, it is so much deeper; having read it more than a decade ago, I am still touched by its memory.

Judith Hearne, in her mid to late forties, was compelled by guilt to nurse her elderly aunt during those years when most young women get married and start families.  Apparently, whenever Judith hinted to her aunt her wish to work outside the home and mingle with those her own age, her aunt reminded her of her kindness in taking the orphaned Judith into her home when no-one else was willing to do so.  Although never guessed by her as a child, the horrific price of this charity was the absolute sacrifice of the joys and opportunities of her young womanhood.

Thus, in middle-age, Judith’s lack of practice in interacting combined with increasing fear at the thought of spinsterhood  were shown by in her speaking in “a high, silly voice”, to any bachelor, until he walked off, having lost any trace of interest in becoming better acquainted.

When this book begins, Judith is subsisting as a piano teacher, having recently rented a room in the home of a widow. Judith’s social life consists of Sunday visits to a family she has known for some years.  On some level, she knows her visits are tolerated rather than enjoyed. Still, her paucity of friends is such as to impel her to accept this begrudged acceptance.  A further incentive is their custom of serving sherry.  Alcohol is the substance which goes some way towards easing the emptiness in Judith Hearne’s soul.  Although she hopes this is well-hidden, she has reason to be aware it is not.  She has been forced to vacate her previous flat due to disturbances by her drink-induced laughter.

As to her passion, her fixation on marrying focuses upon the above-mentioned brother of her landlady-himself a fellow lodger of sort, living by the dwindling proceeds of a settlement gained via an injury.  A down-and-outer, assuming Judith has hoarded savings, he asks her to go out with him one evening.  During their talk, he suggests they become joint restaurant owners.  When she agrees, he tells her, whilst running his hand down her back, she has found herself a partner.  Given her hopes, she interprets this as the beginning of a romantic relationship.  Soon, he realizes Judith has little money, while she is forced to accept his interest had been no more than comradely in nature.

By then, however, she has come to believe she cares deeply about him, and if he fails to court her, she will have no choice but to give voice to her feelings.  When she does so, his consequent surprise and rejection brings about the nervous collapse which she has thus far kept in abeyance. 

Imploding from inner turmoil exacerbated by drink, she seeks the aid of a priest.  This supposed man of God, disgusted by her drunken and overwrought state, refuses to speak with her.  Her screaming “Let me in! Let me in!” delves far beyond this priestly indifference.  In essence, it is her cry to a world which views her needs, her whole life come to that, as futile/irritating.  Viewed in its larger sense, her “Let me in!” epitomizes the plea of all those who sense themselves despised overall, just beneath a gauze of civility.

The catharsis of this book, involving other characters which space does not permit mentioning here, helps cleanse away the mists of deceit which have characterized interwoven relationships.  Most crucially, Judith reassesses her life, and finds within herself a kind of elegant dignity.

One of the most compelling aspects of this novel lies in its author’s ability to convey powerful emotions without one wasted word.  He also combines various styles, sometimes using the narrative voice, while at other times giving characters freedom to let the reader hear their thoughts, beliefs and self-justifications.  The fact of our feelings outraged and disgusted by some of these, adds a further dimension of truth to this reading experience.